Fake Canada

5:14 p.m.

And now for the good stuff. Canada. City of Angels. I mean, Country of Angels. I mean, Country of Hosers.

Shit. Let me start over.

Canada. What can I say about this fine country? Entering it is like entering a whole other world. Let me go over some basics:

-In the Royal Republic of Canadia they have just recently discovered the Horseless Carriage, or, as they have dubbed it, the Funtastic Driveulator. Much like our own automobiles in appearance, the difference is that this particular version appears to run on some kind of primitive fermented grain. Pardon me. That should read, "Le Beer." There are many French in Canada. I think that's why it smelled funny.

-Canadian money is an odd sort of thing. I was able to exchange my $30 of good old-fashioned American green for 10,000 dimples, 300 zingies, 50 "eh" coins, 2 marbles, and a goat. I had to travel all the way to Canada Castle to retrieve my funds from the King's vault as no bank could ever dream of transferring such riches. I was told that with my amazing wealth I could purchase the province of my choice. Alas, I was just window shopping that day.

-In Canada everybody kind of looks like Louis XIV. Check it out:

-One Mr. SARS ran rampant through the streets of Canada during my stay. I'm sorry to say I never saw the gentleman. I would have rather liked to have shaken his hand and asked him in good faith why he would terrorize these poor hapless villagers. But such I fear is the nature of all tyrants. I only hope he can shed his villainous ways. He had those poor residents of Canada positively sick with fear.

Now, I didn't have a chance to try out the new Canadian flying machines, but since they appeared to be construction paper feathers that you scotch-tape to your arms, there is a good chance that I didn't miss anything of import.

Well, that was all in good fun. I'll get to the real Canada in my next entry.

previous / next