My Life Story

12:03 a.m.

I've decided to give everyone here a brief recount of my sordid past, mostly so I can stick childhood photos of myself up here. I do this because my readership is mostly female, and nothing gets the ladies on your my side faster than a cute picture of my boyish smiling face.

March 15, 1982 - LeeboZeebo is born. Doctors proclaim him to be the coolest newborn baby in the 'hood.

1986 - At the age of four LeeboZeebo has already begun his intense modelling career. Note in the image below that he began life as a blond. To this day he still has to hear his grandma talk about how "he used to have the cutest dirty blond hair," right before she says "then it turned all black."

1988 - LeeboZeebo has already established his mane of dark curls by the age of six but due to the unforeseen circumstances of having the largest pants bulge of any child in America is forced to drop out of modelling or risk unwanted exposure. Undaunted, he tries out for the role of "That adopted white Cosby kid." Is refused outright because his sweater is not ugly enough.

1989 - LeeboZeebo robs liquor store, steals Pez Dispenser. He then finds Jesus and returns it.

1991 - LeeboZeebo and brother Sam are forced by cruel parents to don shoddily constructed halloween costumes and go to special office party. LeeboZeebo becomes so distraught that he robs from the rich, gives to the poor, and then returns to the rich to punch them in their collective faces. Brother Sam horrified to discover that his sneakers can never hope to match Blackbeard's in terms of rainbow colors.

1995 - Lee checks out of the Betty Ford clinic after being cured of his crippling addiction to mindlessly quoting lines from The Simpsons. Maintains that a healthy combination of breasts and Mountain Dew were the key to his recovery.

1999 - LeeboZeebo returns to his modelling career after a ten plus year hiatus, and is well received for his line of Winter fashions and for telling that goddamn cat exactly what the fuck is up. Armani's new slogan, "Yeah, That's Right, You Fucking Look At Me When I'm Talking to You, Kitty Bitch," combined with Lee's boyish good looks, have women from coast to coast becoming more than just a little moist.

2001 - LeeboZeebo is on the fast track to success. His first diary is a huge hit and contracts have already been formed to turn it into a full blown motion picture, with him as the star and Bruce Willis as his badass compadre in arms. After being named "Hottest Man in Texas" by Teen Steam magazine, it's widely thought that LeeboZeebo has finally become unstoppable.

2003 - Something fucking crazy happens. LeeboZeebo becomes certifiable, loses all his money and fame, and returns to his secret underground lair to write about his adventures through space and time. Amazingly, women still love him even when a banana is sticking out of his pants.

And that, my friends, is how I got to be where I am today.

Listening To: Smashing Pumpkins - Zero, MC Chris - White Kids Love Hip-Hop, MC Chris - Hijack, Paul Oakenfold - Freefall Skydive

previous / next