Stephen's Story

12:51 p.m.

Wow, I never used to be so productive in the mornings. Today 12:00 hadn't even rolled around before I had a set of fresh new business cards printed up, ready to hand out. Admittedly these cards label me as a "Professional Love Machine" but productivity is productivity, in my book.

------

My best friend Stephen messaged me last night, proving once again that he is, in fact, the great equalizer. No matter how distraught I may be at something stupid I did he's capable of coming in, calling me a wussy, and then telling me one of his stories that makes mine look absolutely pathetic in comparison.

He's given me permission to tell this one, but before I get into it, remember this entry? Wherein I talked about Stephen's quasi-girlfriend? He says I can tell everyone what she does - that it's not a big deal to him. She's a stripper.

And no, he didn't meet her on the job. They met through a mutual acquaintence. He didn't know she was a stripper until later.

The best way to hear this story is in his own words, but unfortunately I didn't save our conversation, so I'll paraphrase it as best as I remember.

Stephen: Hey, I've got a story for you.
Lee: Hit me.
Stephen: Remember the stripper I told you I was dating?
Lee: Yeah, that's hard to forget.
Stephen: Well, guess what? She has herpes. HERPES.
Lee: Sweet Jesus!
Stephen: Fucking A, my friend.
Lee: Please, please tell me you found out about this because she told you.
Stephen: Yeah, she did. She thankfully told me about this before I found out in a very close, personal way.
Lee: Thank God. What did you say?
Stephen: Well, I told her that the only way I could sleep with a women that has...you know, THAT...is if she was the only woman for me in my life - sort of like my soul mate. And as much as I like being with this girl, I'm afraid she just isn't.
Lee: Right.
Stephen: So we broke it off. But we're still friends. It was all very understanding on both sides.
Lee: Well, that's good.
Stephen: So there it is. Stephen's wacky adventure for the week.
Lee: Somewhat more intense than mine.
Stephen: Yeah, I read about that. We all do embarrassing shit sometimes. I just had to drop you a line to tell you that no matter how dumb you think are, it doesn't even come close to almost having sex with a hot stripper that has herpes.
Lee: You're wise beyond your years, Stephen. Thanks.

He's right, too. Nothing beats that trump card.

------

I just realized that this diary entry has way too much herpes talk in it. Kind of leaves a bad taste in your mouth to read it. Therefore I present to you, a basket of puppies:

No good? You still feeling the filthy effects of reading about nasty STDs? It's cool, I've got you covered. No venereal disease discussion can beat KITTENS:

This diary entry...is now clean.

Listening To: Jars of Clay - Flood, Sixpence None the Richer - Road 2 Zion

previous / next