Ladies, Ladies, LADIES

10:44 p.m.

And now, let's talk about the ladies. Because I haven't done that in a while. And I probably won't do it for a while after this, because I'm sort of hoping to cover all the major bases in this one entry.

So let's hop on it - what attracts LeeboZeebo?

On Personality:

There is no quicker way to guarantee that I won't get along with a girl than if she never gets any of my jokes. Do you have any idea what an intense buzz kill that is? Imagine a long date during which you're going out of your way to make the other person laugh, only that person never seems to have any idea what you're talking about. That's incredibly annoying, especially considering that I often go out of my way to make a girl laugh. It's just what I do. I generally rate how well I'm getting along with a girl by how often she laughs at me, so if I never even get so much as a smile, I feel like I'm flopping about hopelessly.

I'm usually attracted to a liberal arts minded woman. And this doesn't just mean women with that perfect grasp of the Queen's good old fashioned English, either. I like a woman to be creative. I feel like if you're creative, you are in all likelihood going to have hobbies and interests that I can relate to much more intimately than others - basically, I'll be able to talk to you about them with great interest.

Of course, I'm always attracted to women that know how to write. If you can form a complete thought, I'm already getting kind of hot. If that complete thought is contained in a complete and coherent sentence, then I have likely popped a boner. And once you add some proper punctuation to that - well, Jesus, there's no telling what I'll do. Yeah, that's right, baby, you know how to punctuate just the way I like it. Yeah, put in those commas. You know where they go. You definitely know where they go. Oh, God, was that a semicolon? Hold on, baby, you gotta slow it down, this is too much - that's just way too good.

I think I may need a moment.

Now, every man wants a woman who is capable of understanding all the guy things that they do. We all inherently want a woman who is, for lack of a less cliche phrase, "one of the guys." I'm no stranger to this effect - I know where that comes from. It's sexy when a girl gets you on that level. But come on - I still like a woman to be a woman. It's okay to like girl stuff. If you can sit down and watch a martial arts packed movie with me and enjoy yourself, then I'm eternally happy. I don't care if the main reason you're enjoying yourself is because you think all the male actors are incredibly hott (with two t's).

It's okay to want scented candles and dancing. I'm not offended, I promise. To be honest, I find a woman that has no earthly interests in any girly things to be sort of bizarre.

On the Maternal Touch:

Look, I won't lie. I love it when a woman tries to take care of me. But it's not exactly a required thing. I'm perfectly satisfied as long as you're able to take care of yourself. And that kind of means picking up after yourself a bit every now and again. I'm not a neat freak, but when there's just stuff everywhere I tend to get rather annoyed by the disarray. But I mean, shit, you don't have to make your bed every day or anything. I don't even do that. I'm just saying, if I were to live with you, and you had like dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and trash just kind of strewn about on any given day of the week...well, that shit just has to stop. For the love of God.

On Spoilage:

As long as you're not really, really spoiled, I'll be fine. I can handle a little spoilage. But don't you dare pout on me if you don't get your way. I hate sulking. I seriously hate it. When somebody sulks, I just get pissed off. A little pouting session isn't going to do a damn thing but make me think a little less of you - I promise it isn't going to get anything else.

I realize that sounds fairly harsh, but I feel pretty strongly about that issue. Just don't act like a five year old. Everything will be fine.

On Extroversion:

I'm always attracted to a girl that can talk. I myself am slightly shy when you first get to know me, so it's highly important that a woman be capable of putting me on the fast track to conversation. Trust me, you will probably like me once you get me going, but I'm afraid you'll have to jump start me (heh heh, that sounds dirty) the first time around. But I'd be careful - once you do, you might have trouble shutting me up.

I won't interrupt you or anything like that. And I won't be not listening to you while I wait for my turn to start running my mouth again, either. It's just that once I get going, you'll find that I have a lot of nothing to talk about, and I probably won't stop until I've said it all. Every girl I've known has told me that it's a cute and endearing trait that I have, but they could be placating me - for all I know it's highly annoying. Don't be afraid to tell me to shut it.

On Physical Traits:

Hair - I used to be a big fan of long hair, but in more recent years I've learned to appreciate what short hair can do for a woman, and have seen my fair share of short hair that I've been very attracted to. Do I have a preference? Not so much anymore - I realize that every girl is going to have a different style, and as long as the style of hair matches the rest, I'm going to find it sexy. As far as color goes, I've always been a fan of darker colors - brunettes, mainly. But I have to admit...redheads? Hot. Don't even ask me to explain it. Red hair is hot.

Face - I have not a clue what to say here. Naturally I'm attracted to a cute face, but what kind of news is that? I can't for the life of me describe in any sort of detail the sorts of eyes, nose, lips, what-have-you that I'm going to find ideal on a woman. Show me a face, I'll tell you if I think that girl is cute or not. That's quite honestly the best I can do in this field. I will say this, though - if you have a mustache or any other sort of facial hair, ladies....even if it's not really noticeable...I promise you that it will be when a guy gets close up. And it isn't a turn-on.

Body Type - Curves. I love a woman with curves. Look, it's cool if you want to be skinny. I understand this. I myself am striving to be somewhat skinny. But a small amount of additional weight is almost never terrible on a woman, I don't think. If you've got a few extra pounds hiding on you, you aren't fat. Not in my book. Now, there's obviously a limit on this - there will come a point when you have so many extra pounds that, I'm sorry, you are fat. But it's not like I'm going to hate you for it. What I will hate, however, is if you do absolutely nothing but complain about it. Work out. I've lost a lot of weight, but even when I had it, I was never really bitching. I understand this is a sensitive issue for a lot of women, and I know this is nothing you haven't heard/thought before, but talking about losing weight doesn't make you lose weight.

So what am I looking for in a body? The easiest answer is this - a comfortable one. I mean a lot of things by this. One, it's really nice when a woman is comfortable with her body. It makes her relaxed. Two, it's really nice when a body just feels right against you, whether it be cuddling or just generally leaning against you. Nothing beats a comfortable body. For me a lot of comfort lies in the curves. I like a woman to be soft to the touch. That's very feminine, and very sexy.

Legs - Ohhhhh, legs. I know I have a major reputation for being a breast man around here, but you guys need to understand that I'm not all about one part of a woman's anatomy. Remember before, when I talked about the softness? This doesn't necessarily need to travel to the legs. I actually like legs with muscle, for one major reason - I massage them. No, seriously. I don't even think about it so much - it's just something I do. But if a girl has some fairly well defined muscles in her legs, rest assured that my massage is less reflex action and more premeditated.

Not to say that that's all it is. I'm a touchy-feely sort of guy. And no, that has nothing to do with me discussing my feelings about every stupid thing under the sun - stop watching so much of The Real World. What that means is I, quite literally, am the sort of guy that touches a lot. Hugs, massages, caresses - these are all used by me - some often in abundance if I'm on very good terms with a girl. You ever hear of the phrase, "Actions speak louder than words"? That's me a lot. I speak quite a few volumes concerning how I feel with touches rather than actual dialogue. In truth, I don't talk about how I feel that much. I sort of think that I get my point across pretty well with my physical contacts, usually.

Booty - Do I even need to elaborate on this? Should I quote Sir Mix-A-Lot? Look, it's common knowledge that when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in my face I get sprung. That's honestly all there is to know. Booty is a good thing.

Booby - I'd think there would be even less need for me to elaborate on this, but I suspect there's confusion out there concerning my eternal love for breasts. I'm not out to lie anyone - a respectably large rack is going to turn me on. Am I a slave to this desire? No. There are women out there that feel inadequate simply because their chests aren't very big - the dollars spent on breast augmentation is enough to prove this. I think that's idiotic. I happen to think I have pretty nice eyes - they're a sort of mixed hazel/green, and that's certainly not something you see every day - but I'm not judging my entire worth by them. I guess this falls once again into the "being comfortable with yourself" category of women I'm attracted to.

The plain fact is that I enjoy breasts. Ever so much. If you are a woman, and you feel a strong urge to share with me your boobs, I don't think you're going to get any kind of disappointment out of me.

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There we are. Quite possibly the definitive handbook of LeeboZeebo's women. Or not. Let me know if there's anything I'm leaving out about women. I've got bags upon bags of opinions, so there could potentially be volumes on this subject.

Listening To: Zero 7 - I Have Seen, Zero 7 - Distractions, Zero 7 - Simple Things

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