Diet Poo

7:14 p.m.

Attention all you people that drink diet sodas:

What the hell is wrong with you?

Every diet soda I have ever tried has tasted like an ass. I bet the only reason my cat licks her own sphincter so much is because she's watching her figure and it's the next best thing to a Diet Coke.

So here's the thing - I've decided to cut out my sugar soda intake. It's out. Gone, you hear me? Gone. No more sugar sodas for me. From now on it's all water, juice, or diet soda.

Hence my problem. Diet soda tastes terrible. I can't stand Nutra-Sweet or Equal or any of those other sugar substitutes with the aspartame or what-have-you. They leave this after-taste in my mouth that I just cannot abide. I'm serious. I can't abide it. You put that shit in front of me and ask if I can abide it.

"Can you abide this Nutra-Sweet?" you'll ask me.

"No, you fucker!" I'll shout. "I can't abide it!" Then I'll stick a pencil in your ear to teach you a lesson in listening.

But I'll probably feel bad about the pencil thing later and I'll buy you a Snickers or something. Sooo...free candy bar.

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Who wants to shake it? Shake it with Lee? Shake your boo-ty? Yeah, Ferris Bueller style.

*mmmmmm-bow-bow....chik...chikka-chik-a*

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