I'm (Sort Of) Rich!

3:32 PM

Apparently people are finally recognizing me for my important skills. I've been hired to house-sit for the biggest lawyer in Tyler. Yes, it's true. My greatest asset is sitting on my ass.

Compared to my construction work, this job doesn't really pay all that much, but I practically get to live in a mansion for about a week. I consider that to be a pretty awesome fringe benefit.

Although, now that I think about it, I don't know that this place is a mansion. But I do know that this guy is richer than my wildest dreams, so if his house isn't stupendous, I'm going to be really disappointed. I'm fully expecting him to have giant plasma-screen televisions in every room. And he'll have three swimming pools, two of which he uses to store all of his extra money.

I bet he drives a Hummer H2 welded on top of another Hummer H2, with two large diesel engines attached to each side like fancy, smoke-billowing wings. When you're rich, you don't have to take care of the environment.

If I pick up any phone in the house, it'll automatically link me to the dungeon master of the children's sweat shop located fifty feet underneath the house. I can order him to increase the heat by two degrees and revel in the knowledge that there are over a hundred orphans shoveling coal into a giant ghastly furnace!

Holy crap, he'll probably have his very own Starbucks! Fully staffed!

His bed is likely just stuffed with crisp new hundred dollar bills. And for additional padding, he just covers the jumbo king size four-poaster canopy bed with hot plus size giggling models!

Hot damn, it's about time I got a taste of high society. I'm going to ride around town in a different new BMW every single day. And thanks to his time travel devices, which of course are all LIGHT YEARS ahead of my own technology, I'll spend every evening watching new sequels to Spider-Man and X-Men after I get those sweet babies up to 88 miles per hour and generating 1.21 JIGGA-WATTS of electricity through their Mr. Fusion reactors.

I'll be sure to tell you all how good X-Men 3 is. You know, if I have time in between trying on new monacles and eating shark-fin soup.

I go down there this Thursday to be interviewed and given emergency numbers and such. I might be given a tour of the house, but I sort of doubt it since he won't have the six months it takes to show me the entirety of the castle, secret passageways and all.

I seriously need more jobs like this.

In other news, yesterday I purchased a goose feather down mattress pad for my bed with my construction earnings. My bed is now so comfortable that I require anyone who wants to look at it to wear an adult sized diaper, because your muscles will be so relaxed that you'll actually lose all control of your bowels.

Listening To: Goldfrapp - Train, JoyDrop - Beautiful

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