Hot Bears

1:59 PM

Okay, sooooo...our air conditioning is broken.

See, the drain pipes for our A/C are made of copper. I realize that doesn't mean a lot to most of you, so I'll explain it in more detail. Most drain pipes in any house are going to be done with PVC for many simple reasons - they don't corrode, and when they do get clogged, they're very easy to snake with common plumber's tools. Copper pipes, on the other hand, are corrosion magnets, and because every time they twist and turn they do so at a completely ninety degree angle, they are impossible to snake with any plumber's tools.

To make a long story short, our A/C draining pipes got a clog, pressure built up, and things sort of popped.

There's no real way to fix this without really tearing up our house, so it looks like we have to attack these pipes above ground and find a new way for our A/C to drain its precious life-giving fluids. Unfortunately, out of all the options we've looked at, it seems that the only feasible one is to hire some people to rig a pump that's wired and timed with our A/C system to push all the drain water up into our attic where we can attach it to some pre-existing drainage system.

I'll translate that again in layman's terms: $$$

And in the meantime, no A/C. In Texas. In the middle of the summer. Fuck me.

High Society

Tonight I begin my house-sitting job. If anyone needs me, I'll be sipping champagne from a 7-11 mug and nibbling caviar which I have classily spread on a cheese puff while relaxing in my underwear on a finely upholstered reclining chair and watching TV on a ginormous screen.

I'm sort of playing around with the idea of taking my NES up there, just so I can play Zelda. I would like to see Link's 8 bits rendered as large as they have ever been displayed. When the Hero of Hyrule's sword goes protruding out of his midsection, it will be at least a foot long. Just like it should be. Eh, ladies?

Oh, that reminds me. I've received a few emails that at first I thought were spam, but recently have realized are legitimate, in which a couple of girls have speculated that I have a member of formidable size. Now, I'm not here to disprove anything. That's totally not my place. I'm not the kind of guy who will trample on your belief system. But I am here to say that this is maybe not the best topic of email when you don't know somebody.

I understand what internet anonymity can do to a person. It's how I've managed to be worldwide celebrity sensation Edward Norton in five separate cyber-sex encounters with five separate Halle Berrys. But in the future, before you fire off an email, try to imagine if you're going to write something that you'd find awkward to say to me in real life. I'm pretty sure if you saw me walking down the street you wouldn't just walk up to me and say, "I bet you have a huge cock, Mister," followed by a wink. At least, not unless you highly desired to see me crumple into the fetal position with terrified eyes the size of saucers while yelling, "I need an adult!" over and over again. It's just not what we civilized people call 'decorum.'

However, speaking of Spam and penises, one of my new theories about my rich employer is that his Spam-Mail is probably all REAL. He likely continues to make millions through secretive financial transactions with actual Nigerian Princes, and his gold-lined medicine cabinet is filled with actual penis-enlarging miracle pills.

I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything crazy, but I do fully plan to at least maximize my pants bulge with this superior technology.

Now that I think about it, when I write about this kind of nonsense, I'm probably just asking to get the emails that I do. Carry on, then, I suppose.

Bear2005, You Are a Stud Among Mongoloids

Recently I had logged on to my Campus Hook Profile so that I could upload a few pictures to my Lee Fix Photo Album - nothing you people haven't seen before, so don't get excited. I'm too lazy to take new photos.

While poking around on there I decided to take a few minutes before I had to go back and work on fixing one of the ten thousand leaky pipes we have created while trying to fix this shower and search around Campus Hook for fine, fine Texas A&M Aggie ladies. Campus Hook's only redeeming quality is their photo album system which, as far as I can tell, gives no limits to the number of pictures you can upload and store with them. Other than this fine service, they're basically just like every other online personals you've ever encountered, which meant that I was bored with the whole thing after less than one of my few minutes had even gone by.

But then I noticed something.

A Mr. bear2005 had left an intriguing message on this girl's profile. Meet sometime? She's hot? What a great pickup line! The simplicity was something I had never thought to try before. I visited a few other profiles, encountering similar tactics that he'd used to attempt to woo over fine college damsels, including my ex-girlfriend. His technique was flawlessly insane - completely unlike anything I had ever tried before.

It was at this point I realized he was my Yoda.

Mr. bear2005's subnormal approach to picking up internet ladies was so delightfully retarded that I had to learn more about him. What caused him to descend this road to madness? At what point did he look into a mirror and only see a crevasse filled with fork-tongued demons whipping their sharp-edged tails, his ears filled with high-pitched laughter not unlike nails on a blackboard, punctuated by wailing and gnashing of teeth?

The shadowy picture on each of these women's profiles did him no justice. I tried to imagine the shadow of a helmet on his head. Things were clicking into place fast, but I had to learn everything. I was on a mission. It was time to visit his profile.

The following are direct quotes from his profile. I have not modified this in any way:

"i am currently only looking for a physical relationship, no strings attached, if anyone is interested id love to hear from you"

"Sex Status:
interested, very interested, slightly open to experimentation, but nothing gay, i dont judge, but thats just not for me, 2 girls however..."

Two girls however...what? Bear2005, your unique style of punctuation and homophobia have captivated me! And I see that you're in Texas A&M's Corps. of Cadets, listen to only country music, and have misspelled your major. My surprise is an endless ocean!

Bear2005, you don't have to worry. If I know A&M like I think I do, once you reach your senior year and get your fancy boots and well-adorned uniform, you're going to have more vapid women on your jock than you could ever possibly dream of.

But until that time comes, I want you to hone these internet skills. I want you to dedicate your life to perfecting this craft. Because once the uniform comes off, Bear2005...that's when women actually look at you. That's when the horrible realization of what they were about to do takes hold of them.

You have the talent and the capability to go so much farther. All you have to do is blurt out great lines like "your hot!" or "if i supply another gurly can we all make out together?" and a woman's natural pity instincts will completely take over. Retards can always have sex, bear, because every woman that is with a retard realizes he's too stupid to get any, and she could be his only chance.

You could be that retard, bear2005. I have complete faith in your ability...to be that retard.

And even if it doesn't work out for you, I'm sure your love of both driving and alcohol will see you to wherever it is you need to go. Godspeed, bear2005. Godspeed.

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