Scary Movie

10:12 AM

Let me say that when I first saw the movie The Ring, it scared the bejeezus out of me. I admit it. I was paranoid and sitting in the dark with all the televisions unplugged. I originally saw it with Andria back when she and I were going out, and while it scared her a lot more than it scared me, I was still the one who suffered for it later.

She insisted that I sleep over at her place that night so she wouldn't have nightmares. For all her freaking out and saying, "I keep waiting for some trashed out freak-girl to come clawing at me any second, fuck you for making me see that movie," she was able to fall asleep roughly 0.2 nanoseconds after her head hit the pillow. I, on the other hand, laid next to her staring into her shadowy room for approximately four hours.

It didn't help that she had a very sensitive laptop that she never shut off. Every now and again something - the ghostly hand of my eventual slayer, perhaps - would brush against this laptop, and it would come out of sleep mode, small fans whirring, various creepy sounds of powering up emanating from deep within its computing depths, the screen flickering on slowly and becoming brighter, only to suddenly shut off again, leaving me whimpering like a baby and trying to back my way across the bed into my ex-girlfriend, who would mumble sweet things at me, give me a sleepy kiss on my forehead, and then unceremoniously shove me to my side of the bed and certain doom.

In hindsight, this situation would have worked out well for her. Should any terrible nightmare creature have chosen to rip my face off, my screams would have been all the alarm she needed to run her ass away from danger. Touché, Andria. Well played.

But it's cool. I've got it covered this time. See, a few days ago, I was checking out movie trailers when I found this one for a movie called Ju-On. It's made by the same creators of Ringu, the retarded, non-scary Japanese film that was later made into a superior scary American film.

I immediately thought to myself, "Wow, a house that once contained people who died a death so horrible it left behind angry spirits to fuck with the current residents! What an original horror movie concept! Only the superior cinematography and dialogue of an American movie can save this from sucking for all eternity!"

Lo and behold: The Grudge, starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. My prayers were answered about five seconds after I made them. I just say this to remind you all that God favors me and Jesus is my homeboy.

Although, on closer inspection, I'm noticing that the exact same director who did the original is doing our version. Hopefully a producer stood over his shoulder the whole time with a rolled up newspaper for when he would suggest really stupid stuff.

Japanese Director: Okay, in this scene, instead of showing this guy die in a creepy way, I just want to invert all the colors and freeze frame his goofy terrified face for a couple of seconds. It will enhance the suspense.
American Producer: No! Bad! You fucking retard! Put on your helmet. No, fucker! You put on that helmet! You put it on and shut your mouth and never open it again!

Anyway, I'm straying from the point I was about to make. I'm going to go see this new horror movie with Andria, and because she and I are not dating anymore, we can't sleep in the same bed and she won't have the comfort of a meat shield for angry ghosts!

Of course, I won't either. But I'm actually used to it. I never get a meat shield for anything.

In other news, I bought a music album for the first time since I can even remember yesterday. Franz Ferdinand. I totally don't regret it because they rock. Hard.

Listening To: Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand Album

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